Ok, I have spoken at length with people about just how tired I still am. I feel like I ride this roller coaster of ups and downs with regard to sleepiness. My ups consist of feeling like I have an average amount of energy on an average day. My downs literally consist of exhaustion to the point that I'm emotional about it. When I'm at work, I just want to sleep upright in my chair in the office for any given amount of time. I have to delay my paperwork until the beginning of my next day, simply because the end of the shift brings fuzziness and sleepiness with lots of emotions. Sometimes I'd love to complain, but overall, I know it's all for good reason! I'm so happy for the catalyst to my exhaustion (little Ali), but I sometimes wonder if I'll be gliding through the second trimester just as tired as I was in the first.
Anyway, most days, I wake up with the help of Pinterest. I check my emails on my phone, check for Facebook messages from my husband (since that's his easiest way of communicating with me), and I browse Pinterest! For some reason, looking at those insane ways to clean things with half the effort, or some mother's home management organization binder, helps me gain enough motivation to get out of bed.
Once I get out of bed, my teeth are lucky to be brushed right away. My hair is just thrown right back into a ponytail without brushing through the tangles. My face usually has day-old makeup because I went to bed too tired to take it off. And my clothes are covered in dog hair because they have replaced Justin in the cuddling-while-sleeping department. In other words- just you try to stop by my house before noon to check on me or say a quick hello. I will not come to the door- but it's not to avoid you. It's to prevent you from seeing me this way!
I remember back in high school when I'd have such tedious attention to detail with organizing my belongings. I lost it sometime when I began to feel the all too familiar "senioritis" that so many of us experience as we get close to graduating. Since that time in my life, I have this repeat pattern of letting things build up in the house- laundry, dishes, dirty carpets- until one day I just have this huge burst of energy and I tackle it all until I'm totally and completely exhausted. I love to clean the baseboards, sweep and mop the floors, and scrub toilets, but only on the days when I've just had enough of the mess. After that, it just builds back up to an unbearable state, and I do it again.
Well, the good thing about Justin being gone, is that I'm forced to confront this pattern, and I have to make (good) changes. The bad thing is, I never see the burst of energy where I get it clean in the first place, for me to begin practicing keeping it that way. So... it's just the dogs and myself, cooped up in my time off, together and not answering the door for fear of a stranger even seeing my raccoon eyes and hairy wardrobe!
I guess this is where I need to suck it up and clean anyway. But I'd much rather be a two year old with a temper tantrum and say, "Nooooooo!!!!" ... at least that's the dialogue in my head.
I sure hope this energy comes around. I feel like if I could just. wake. up. I'd be able to get through this messy home and get myself to a point where I could start fresh and reintroduce those good habits I used to keep to prove that I do value my belongings :)