This week has been a whirlwind of emotion for me. It's silly, really, because as I think of all the women out there who are trying-I'm talking YEARS worth of trying- for babies, my plight and struggles are so meager. Earlier this month, Justin and I realized that we had possibly put ourselves at risk for having a baby. I don't need to go into all the details. I have read plenty, know my body decently well, and I'm aware that I was ovulating at a time when we weren't careful. That's as far as I'm going to go with that.
Anyway, this led to an entire host of "symptoms" and "what-if's" and basically sent me on a nice little emotional rollercoaster. Since September 4th, I've pretty much been on my guard about this possible pregnancy thing. I decided for ONCE I wouldn't call my mom and tell her what I was feeling, but rather wait to know more, maybe a definite answer before I speak to family about any of it. After all, Justin and I have not made a decision to try for baby, so there's no need to put family on board if it could technically be another three years before we really start trying. (That was dubbed as our "ideal" time).
Anyway, the only people who have been privvy to my ten-day rollercoaster are Justin, my friend Jenn, and my boss. Justin, I told on our anniversary. We were spending this great quality time together and I just had this feeling that I shouldn't leave him out. We were having great conversation and I felt he'd be receptive to the news of the possible pregnancy, even if it wasn't in our original timing. I told Jenn one day at work while we were outside, because I just felt I wanted a woman, sympathetic to my feelings, to know. And Jenn's really great at that. Finally, I was having such a hard time sleeping the last weekend, that I really wanted a Sunday morning off of work. I saw the opportunity to ask, and I didn't want to lie to my boss, because I felt if I said I were sick, upset, or had plans, then something could prove me otherwise, and I like my job too much to fib, haha. So, I told him, and asked him to be respectful of my past miscarriage and the fact that I didn't have proof I was pregnant, only a strong suspicion.
At this point, I don't know if I am. It's been about ten days past my ovulation day, so it's really the first real day to *possibly* get a positive test. It's also a fat chance of positive considering it's usually about 51% correct at this point. So, I tested negative. I'm bummed because I really think that being a mom at any point would be super. I want a little curly-haired, blue eyed baby full of squeals and coos, and I just think being a mom is really going to be my calling. But, I have to be okay with the idea that I may not get this chance right away and that I might have to actually wait another three years or so before that happens. I'd love to have a baby now, but there are positives and negatives to having one now and/or later, so I'm just making myself aware of all of it.
Another thing, which I think I could use to relate to many, many women out there, is the fact that I don't know what symptoms I've had to be true, or what symptoms are made up in my head. Know what I mean? Of course, three years ago, when I had my miscarriage, I was simultaneously on birth control, and I had no idea what was a pregnancy symptom and what was the side-effect of the birth control I had been prescribed (I got birth control a few days after conception, unknowingly). So, I've had pregnancy scares since then, all of which I've been incorrect, and all of which I've supposedly had symptoms. We poor women have symptoms of PMS, which unfortunately go hand-in-hand most times, with pregnancy.
Just to keep the faith, and hope, that there's still a chance I'm pregnant, I'm going to list out the odd things that I noticed- possibly pre-menstrual, but not a monthly experience for me- and maybe this will give me peace of mind for the next four days:
1. Waking up bloated. Who wakes up bloated? Maybe after you eat something salty or drink a soda... but when I wake up, usually I feel skinny, and that's when I like to weigh myself and get dressed! ... and this includes period days. Mornings are always my weight-conscious friend.
2. Getting excited to cook bacon for a salad that I got a new recipe for, only to be disgusted by the smell of the bacon while I was cooking it. I ended up not making the salad.
3. Being tired. Not necessarily every single day, but there have been days where I do very little, and still feel tired. Also, there are times where I do a small chore or something, and lay down on the couch afterwards. But I do have to credit my lack of coffee... Instead of the typical 2 cups/day, I usually have about 3/4 of one cup, and throw the rest out for the sake of lowering my caffeine intake- so this could be a major contributor. But I did sleep at work last Saturday, and in two years, I've never been so tired that I had to sleep on a bunch of chairs in a restaurant on my break.
4. Finally, every. single. time. I eat. HEARTBURN. Doesn't matter what I have to eat. Today's lunch, romaine, strawberries, pineapple (2 chunks), grilled chicken, avocado, raisins, and almonds. Doesn't scream heartburn to me. This happens every time. And I don't doubt that heartburn could strike after a lot of things I eat because I love spicy foods and I love acidic foods. No fresh tomatoes today (and I LOVE tomatoes), and no acidic fruits. So, I have to admit, I don't get heartburn this easily on a regular basis.
Okay, I'd better stop while I'm ahead. Thanks for reading, and if you have any advice, feel free to write comments. This has just been a crazy week, and I keep praying that the Lord's will for my life is in line with my dreams, goals, and desires. This desire to be pregnant runs deep in my heart, and I just hope and pray that maybe this time, it could be true!! :D
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Well, I'm happy to say it was in the Lord's will that we buy a house!!! It's incredible! I always heard people talking about how having a home is motivating, because every time you pull up in the driveway, you see what you're working for... and I totally understand that feeling. It's not like a burden, and it doesn't make me scared; it just makes me really proud of Justin and myself and inspires me each day, because I feel like we're on a really great "track" in our life. If we were to have babies one day, I'd already be giving them so much more than I had when my parents were pregnant with me. We have a stable, beautiful place we can call home, in a great neighborhood. I love my job, and I adore my husband. And anything that happens from here on out is just... good!
Speaking of babies; I have baby fever once again. I don't think it's something that ever goes away when you have been pregnant once before. It's like something inside of me changed and my "mommy" instincts kick in and every child I see is so precious and every baby just melts my heart. I know you don't have to be pregnant previously to feel this way, but I think that's what did it for me. I can't wait to be a mommy! I probably shouldn't post this in a blog, and if it makes it to the final draft, it's because I'm desperate to speak my feelings without having to directly involve anyone or be accountable to anyone at this time. I don't want someone to call me and ask how I'm feeling, if I had symptoms this month or not. I don't want to talk about how I think I'm pregnant, only to find out it's just a hormone-enraged period afterwards, leaving me more confused and upset with my body. Justin and I aren't actively trying to have a child soon, but "accidents" happen, and I like to be on high alert so I don't experience another miscarriage. That's probably why I'm so quick to think I'm pregnant, prematurely cutting out alcohol, caffeine, and cleaning the litterbox. But yeah, I don't want anyone to directly be involved in my baby wishes, because as I continue to hope for a pregnancy, it's easier to just deal with myself when the time comes for me to take a test or start my period. It's just nicer to know that I don't have to relive it in several conversations... I can just move forward and hope for the best in the coming months.
But I'm not sorry for myself for any of this. My miscarriage was mild compared to so many other women out there. My pain that I feel at the start of each period is mild, considering I have so much ahead of me to keep me preoccupied and busy with our plans for the future. I think the sadness I feel when I know I'm not pregnant is just a bittersweet feeling, because I don't get to have that crazy exciting feeling when I see the positive results on my test... I don't get to imagine my baby and its hair, eyes, nose, future name, and how I'll do the nursery. Since we are not actively trying for a child, it's not a huge deal that we become pregnant or not. But I just remember how my stomach flipped, my heart jumped out of my chest, and my nerves ran straight through my fingertips when I saw the word, "PREGNANT" on my test that day. Back in 2008. Man, that was the coolest feeling...