Well, I'm happy to say it was in the Lord's will that we buy a house!!! It's incredible! I always heard people talking about how having a home is motivating, because every time you pull up in the driveway, you see what you're working for... and I totally understand that feeling. It's not like a burden, and it doesn't make me scared; it just makes me really proud of Justin and myself and inspires me each day, because I feel like we're on a really great "track" in our life. If we were to have babies one day, I'd already be giving them so much more than I had when my parents were pregnant with me. We have a stable, beautiful place we can call home, in a great neighborhood. I love my job, and I adore my husband. And anything that happens from here on out is just... good!
Speaking of babies; I have baby fever once again. I don't think it's something that ever goes away when you have been pregnant once before. It's like something inside of me changed and my "mommy" instincts kick in and every child I see is so precious and every baby just melts my heart. I know you don't have to be pregnant previously to feel this way, but I think that's what did it for me. I can't wait to be a mommy! I probably shouldn't post this in a blog, and if it makes it to the final draft, it's because I'm desperate to speak my feelings without having to directly involve anyone or be accountable to anyone at this time. I don't want someone to call me and ask how I'm feeling, if I had symptoms this month or not. I don't want to talk about how I think I'm pregnant, only to find out it's just a hormone-enraged period afterwards, leaving me more confused and upset with my body. Justin and I aren't actively trying to have a child soon, but "accidents" happen, and I like to be on high alert so I don't experience another miscarriage. That's probably why I'm so quick to think I'm pregnant, prematurely cutting out alcohol, caffeine, and cleaning the litterbox. But yeah, I don't want anyone to directly be involved in my baby wishes, because as I continue to hope for a pregnancy, it's easier to just deal with myself when the time comes for me to take a test or start my period. It's just nicer to know that I don't have to relive it in several conversations... I can just move forward and hope for the best in the coming months.
But I'm not sorry for myself for any of this. My miscarriage was mild compared to so many other women out there. My pain that I feel at the start of each period is mild, considering I have so much ahead of me to keep me preoccupied and busy with our plans for the future. I think the sadness I feel when I know I'm not pregnant is just a bittersweet feeling, because I don't get to have that crazy exciting feeling when I see the positive results on my test... I don't get to imagine my baby and its hair, eyes, nose, future name, and how I'll do the nursery. Since we are not actively trying for a child, it's not a huge deal that we become pregnant or not. But I just remember how my stomach flipped, my heart jumped out of my chest, and my nerves ran straight through my fingertips when I saw the word, "PREGNANT" on my test that day. Back in 2008. Man, that was the coolest feeling...
Okay, well that's another huge life decision that I must leave up to God's timing. It's definitely His will that I am living for, and I keep trying to whole-heartedly accept His plans for mine and Justin's life together. It's been an awesome ride so far, so I trust that the Lord has some great plans for us!!
AMEN people!
Congrats on the new house! It's beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest of this post. I can relate and understand many of these feelings. Your blessed to have people to talk to about all this when your ready. For me my infertility blog has been my major confidant. Writing is good! It releases and for some reason it always makes you feel better. :) Just know you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.